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Islam

My list of top ten Islamic Fatwas


Religious edicts or Fatwas play a very prominent role in the life of ordinary Muslims. Fatwas are given by Islamic scholars and priests. Whenever a Muslim has any problem with things in his daily life, be it a question on diet, marriage, sex, inheritance, job or even jihad, they turn to religious scholars to solve their queries. The scholar looks through the writings of other prominent scholars, hadiths and most important Quran. He then interprets the verses by his understanding and issues a fatwa. Even though a fatwa is mostly released as an answer to the question of one individual or small group, it is considered sacrosanct by thousands or even millions of followers of Islam.

I live in a city which has a large Muslim population. I have grown up watching their habits and religious rituals. I have seen the effects of fatwas on their daily life. There are some Muslims who take fatwa as just an opinion, there are others who take it as an order from a higher authority and still there are others who take it as a religious duty to pursue.

Here I am compiling a list of top 10 weirdest, hilarious or gruesome fatwas that I have come to know in my life. Any other person can make his own list of weird religious diktats and I would love to hear from them.

10. Sania Mirza and her tight tops:Sania Mirza is a famous tennis player. She is the first ever Indian to

Sania Mirza

break into top 30 WTA rankings in singles and top 10 in doubles. Feminists around the world can see this as a huge achievement by a girl coming from a devout Muslim family. Sania soon became incredibly famous with her pictures on T-shirts and posters in every city around the country. In the year 2005, an Islamic Organization Jamiat-e-Ulama-e-Hind based in Kolkata issued a fatwa warning ominously that Mirza would be ‘stopped from playing’ if she did not start wearing ‘proper clothes’. She was corrupting the youth, they said. Her revealing clothes left very little for imagination, said a senior cleric. I was never a huge sports fan but this diktat was outrageous. How can someone issue a religious diktat on the dressing style of another person, that too of a national icon? Next day, the newspapers were all covered with opinions about the tight tops and short skirt of Sania Mirza. Many Muslims demonstrated in my city against Sania. But what could she do and why? This was my first experience of the rampant misogyny and hatred present in the great religion of peace called Islam.

9. Muhammad’s Urine Fatwa: Every part of Prophet Muhammad’s excreta is holy, so proclaimed the Grand Mufti of Egypt, Dr. Ali Gum’a. His original quote regarding Muhammad’s Piss was, “Umm Ayman drank the urine of the Prophet, and theprophet told her: ‘This stomach will not be dragged through the fire of Hell, because it contains something of our Lord the Messenger of Allah…”.

So, the basic idea here is that drinking the urine or eating the faeces of Muhammad can grant heaven to any Muslim. Does it look Pathetic? You decide. But I will never believe that the path to redemption or heaven in any religion can be the shit of any pathetic prophet.

After Mufti Ali Gum’a pronounced his stupid and ridiculous fatwa, the Egyptian political leaders along with majority of public disowned him. I hope he lives his life now in a gutter by eating pig-shit.

8. Women mustn’t touch Banana:Banana and cucumbers resemble penis, therefore woman must not

Better than my Husband’s dicks, she thinks. And more curvy too.

touch them. Again, this fatwa was brought by an Egyptian cleric. The fatwa proclaimed that a Muslim woman must not touch fruits and vegetables that resemble penis. If a woman wants to eat such fruits, a male member must first cut these fruits into small pieces.

This fatwa is really hilarious and shameless to its core. It is a well known fact that Islam is basically a misogynist, women-hating religion. These stupid fatwas only prove that.

By the way, what if a man touches a fruit resembling a penis? Does it means that the guy is a Homosexual? Are there any fruits that resemble vagina? Would it be wrong for a man to touch them? Sexist bastards!

7. Tomboy Fatwa: I really love Tomboy kind of girls – those who like sports and adventure games. Girls who like to dress cool in jeans and jumpers, girls who prefer Lord of the Rings and Star Trek more than Twilight and Justin Bieber. I just love such girls.

But the Malaysian National Fatwa council hates such girls. (Actually they hate all kind of girls). So in order to prove their point, they ordered a Fatwa against girls who dress like Tomboys.

Abdul Shukor Husin, chairman of the council, said many young women admire the way men dress and behave – and branded it a denial of their femininity and a violation of human nature.

He said: “It is unacceptable to see women who love the male lifestyle including dressing in the clothes men wear.

“It becomes clearer when they start to have sex with someone of the same gender that is woman and woman.

Okay, so they think that dressing like Tomboys induces girls to become Lesbians. I wonder how much a fucked up, unscientific asshole a person can be.

Those ears are actually horns, satan’s soldier- My ass!

6. Mickey Mouse is Satan’s Soldier: Mickey Mouse must die. This was a strange fatwa pronounced by Sheikh Muhammad Munajid, a former Saudi diplomat.Mickey mouse is Satan’s soldier, he said. It’s weird for us people of the sane and rational world to think about how a cartoon character can be a threat to the Muslim world.

Sheikh Munajid gave this fatwa on Arab Television Network after he was asked to give his view on mice.

I love Mickey Mouse. Many of my friends appreciate this lovely cartoon character. But, why would anyone call this lovely, tiny mouse as a sinful character? Aren’t there any other problems in the world that Muslim preachers should look for – Like poverty, hunger, terrorism etc. This fatwa only goes on to show that religious leaders are never concerned about real social issues. All they want to ever taste is just Bullshit.

5. Thou must not be naked while having sex:  In 2006, Hasan Khalil a former dean of Al-Azhar University, Cairo ruled that a marriage would be considered void if the couple had sex in a naked state. So, for the people who were sceptical, Quran does prescribe sexual positions and techniques somewhere in its pages. The Liberal voice in Egypt condemned this fatwa and Khalil was declared the ‘’National Loon’’ of Egypt.

Seeking to appease religious conservatives, Abdullah Megawar, the fatwa committee chairman at al-Azhar, reached for an awkward compromise. Sure, he said, a husband and wife could see one other naked, but should not look at each other’s genitals.

The walking shame: Ali Mohammad, raped his 28 year old daughter-in-law Imrana.

4. Raped by Father-in-Law, Your husband has become your son now: It was outrageous. In 2005, a 28 year old woman, Imrana was raped by her father-in-law Ali Mohammad in a village in India. Rather than listening to the plea of the poor woman, the Islamic court in Deoband issued a fatwa which said that as a result of her father-in-law’s act, she should now be treated as the mother of her husband and she could no longer live with him.

Imrana was forced to marry her rapist and live with him. Even the worst kind of pathetic, dickhead, psycho wouldn’t think that. Anyways, thanks to the secular Indian government, the father-in- law was later arrested and condemned to 10 years in jail.

3. Thou must suck your female colleague’s boobies: Yes, you might say that I making up shit now. But this is true. This is Islam and we can’t help its utter weirdness. In the year 2007, a Saudi Arabian cleric named Ezzat Attiya went insane and issued a fatwa which said that a female worker will have to suckle her male co-worker if she wanted to work in the same office with him. I know what you are thinking- that’s some batshit crazy insane diktat. But again, THAT’S ISLAM.

You see, if a woman breastfeeds a man, she will become his foster mother. What a brilliant idea!! Perverts in Saudi Arabia celebrated all night.

Attiya’s ruling was intergalactically mocked, and quickly condemned on the homefront as well. He was later suspended from his job, pilloried in Arab newspapers, and issued a hasty retraction saying it was a “bad interpretation of a particular case.”

2. Against Polio vaccine: Pakistan’s largest Islamist umbrella group, the Muttahida Majlis-e-Amal (MMA),

Every advancement in Science is a Jewish conspiracy to make Muslim men impotent or fuck their goats.

issued a fatwa in January 2007 endorsing the provincial government’s efforts to immunize children from polio in the country’s Northwest Frontier Province. These uneducated tribal idiots are the reason why the world hasn’t yet become polio-free, even after the continuous efforts of government and WHO.

 They consider Polio vaccine as a Jewish conspiracy to make Muslim men impotent. Only a week ago, Taliban has banned the entry of any health workers to administer polio drops in the North and South Waziristan areas. More than 200,000 children in north areas of Pakistan are left prey to polio if vaccination is not started immediately. In 2011, a total of 650 cases of polio were recorded worldwide with Pakistan having 198 cases at the top. According to WHO, only three countries in the world viz. Afghanistan, Nigeria and Pakistan are left as polio-endemic in 2012. Guess what, All three are Muslim countries.

1. Salman Rushdie and his book: We all know this story. It is indeed the most famous fatwa issued by any religious cleric in the world.

Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa for the death of Salman Rushdie after the publication of his book, The Satanic Verses. Riots broke out in every part of the Islamic world. Many Muslims from around the world took the vow to murder Rushdie. In their mission, the Islamic terrorists succeeded in murdering some of the important people related to the book’s publication.

Sir Salman still lives. Ayatollah is rotting in his grave. And, if you didn’t knew, Ayatollah is the same pig-head who wrote a complete book on how to have sex with animals. Some spiritual leader he was.

 

About Bobby-Allen

I am a business student, biotechnology graduate, free thinker and rationalist living in my own dream world, floating along with the speck of dirt that we call earth. I love reading books, traveling, movies, music and all the amazing things that this life has granted us. Though only a few among us appreciate their true value. I consider myself a seeker, for truth and salvation. I have looked for the truth in human emotions, feelings, dogma, superstitions and now I have only come closer to the perimeter of truth which just keeps on shifting further and further away. Hope one day I reach my goal, the post where I have tied my dreams.

Discussion

7 thoughts on “My list of top ten Islamic Fatwas

  1. ROFL, indeed nice write up. Today a new fatwa: One should not dye his/her hair black. You can include this too :P

    Posted by Rakesh | December 13, 2012, 6:46 am
  2. Nice one bro. Impressed :d u really made me laf till i had my balls jumping till my forehead.

    Posted by bhushan | December 24, 2012, 7:20 pm
  3. fool fuck u 4 this article womens shouldn,t wear anything that spread obscenity what about sania

    Posted by m fazrin | January 8, 2013, 7:31 pm
  4. bloody disgraceful act by the writer.fatwa can only be given by the scholars not people like you.islam is a religion for the whole universe till the day of judgement.so dont make fun of the religion on the fatwas if given by people like you

    Posted by nauman | March 13, 2013, 3:25 pm
  5. Dear Bobby-Allen, you are a bloody mother fucker of the first degree. you seem to be an idiot, ignorant arsehole who understands nothing about details. go to depths before you criticise any religion

    Posted by S F | May 22, 2013, 9:54 am
  6. Allen how can you write against such a beautiful religion ISLAM. I am non muslim but I would like to convert to this religion ( all this cos of #3 fatwa suck it…. ).

    Tell me Allen you too want to convert to Islam, #3 is for we the Men. ;)

    Excellent job bro.

    Posted by bobolo ali rizvi | May 31, 2013, 3:27 am

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